The endless stream of consciousness that breaks you

" She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating it's numerous strands, appreciating it's subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into it's infinite spectrum"

Lets sleep in a forest and watch the sun rise between the trees;

I can hear you whisper through the cracks in the floor boards; so I lay flat down face to the ground

I've felt the weight of this depression lying full length across my body for far to long.

"Get better, feel better, think real thoughts, get involved in reality, speak to people more, stop living inside your own head"

We are all sick beyond repair, but this is real. She is slowly dieing and I'm just sitting here watching her disappear in front of me, getting sicker and sicker as the days go by.
She can barely breathe and it's clenching at my stomach like you wouldn't believe. I want to make her better, I want to see her live a normal childhood but I'm not watching her grow or get well, I'm watching her decay and fade away. I spend my nights waiting for the illusive phone call to tell me that her pain has finally ended, and every time I hear that phone ring, my whole body freezes and my world stops.

My life is strange and is filled with a sadness that I will never understand. I still have the same feelings as when I was 11. disconnected from reality, alone, unable to connect with people, numbing myself with sleep, then lack of sleep for days, nightmares, craving attention, craving to be alone, then the lonely feeling again. My mind is a giant cluster of every thought that I refuse to think.